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Temper tantrums are a normal part of growing up. Here's a look at why they happen and what parents can do about them.

Your toddler is in the midst of a full-blown meltdown. She's kicking and screaming and maybe even holding her breath. What's more, she shows no signs of stopping.

As a parent, you may be on the verge of an outburst too. Still, do your very best to stay calm. If you explode in return, you're only likely to make the situation worse. Tension is contagious. But so is composure. By keeping your cool, you'll help your youngster feel more in control.

Why toddlers lose it

Staying calm may be easier if you know that temper tantrums are a normal part of growing up. Nearly all children have at least a few, especially around age 2 or 3 years, according to the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP).

Tantrums are often triggered by a youngster's desire for independence. There are endless things your child wants to do—but either can't yet (perhaps it's putting on socks) or shouldn't (maybe it's climbing on the kitchen table). At the same time, your child isn't mature enough to handle disappointment well or put feelings into words easily. A temper tantrum is a release for understandable frustration.

Taming tantrums

Other than keeping your own temper in check, how should you react to a tantrum? Try these tips from the AAP and Zero to Three:

• Let humor work its magic. Is your child pitching a fit to avoid a bath? Make a funny face or sing a silly song about soapsuds. You just might be rewarded with a smile.
• Acknowledge your youngster's feelings. For example, if you said no to ice cream, you might say, "I know you're upset, and I understand." But resist the temptation to end the explosion by giving in to your child's demands. If you do, peace will come at a cost. You'll teach your child that tantrums work. Expect longer, louder fits in the future.
• Soothe your child. You might give your child a favorite blanket to hold during the tantrum or turn on some soft music. Sometimes, holding or gently restraining your child also helps.
• Try distraction. Divert your child's attention to something else—for instance, by saying, "Let's see what our dog is up to."
• Walk away. The best reaction to a tantrum can be no reaction at all. Without an audience, your child will have no incentive to make a scene.
• Don't overreact if your child holds her breath. You risk reinforcing this behavior. Even if she holds her breath long enough to faint, she'll recover quickly—in as few as 30 seconds. Still, alert your child's doctor about any fainting.

Perhaps most important, no matter how severe the tantrum, don't spank your child in an attempt to stop it. Spanking gives exactly the wrong message—that it's OK to act aggressively if you're upset, the AAP emphasizes.

Head off trouble

While you can't prevent every temper tantrum, you can make them less frequent. Do try, for example, to avoid situations that easily frustrate your child. Does she always act out at the grocery store? Then try to hire a sitter. You'll both feel less frazzled.

Also—and this is key—give your child a say in things whenever possible. Let her choose what color top to wear or which story to read at bedtime. A child who is allowed to make reasonable choices is less likely to boil over when there's no room for compromise.

Reassuringly, the phrase "this too shall pass" applies to tantrums. They usually taper off after age 4 or so. If they don't, be sure to tell your child's doctor.

Reviewed 1/11/2024